Posts Tagged ‘gross’

  • 03 Dec

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    Thanksgiving: The Horror

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    Yes, all right, it’s been a month since I’ve posted. I am going to add a “Post to blog” task on my “Remember the Milk” list and monitor it via my iPhone. I know, it’s hard to believe I don’t have time to post since I obviously don’t have a life.

    So I am one of those people that, when asked by friends and neighbors “how was your Thanksgiving?”, feel compelled to really answer. A simple “fine” is not in my vocabulary. And when I stopped to recall this Thanksgiving, it was really quite chilling.

    First there was the conversation at Thanksgiving dinner. Somehow I ended up sitting between my dad and my uncle and their conversation was nothing short of macabre. Seriously, all of the following came up:

    • Who they know that’s dying and of what
    • My uncle’s friend, the coroner, and a review of “what not to do when contemplating suicide” (including a review of blood splatter clean-up)
    • Hunting/ cleaning animals (and I don’t mean a bath)
    • And to round it up, great moments from the movie “Deliverance”

    Then on the Friday, I did something I have never, ever done before: I went shopping the day after Thanksgiving. To be clear, I don’t like to step in a store after Thanksgiving. Anything that hasn’t been bought before t-day gets bought online. But my aunt and cousin (and cute baby!) were there and there were some good deals (seriously, a crock pot for $10?!) so off we went. On the bright side, I didn’t trampled by ravenous shoppers, though I did hurt my back holding that crock pot while waiting in line for 35 minutes.

    Finally, the real horror: my mom burned the turkey. I can’t say enough about how out of character this is (and Lisa, if you mention this to her I will cut you!) and it’s not like this made the turkey bad. It’s still turkey. It was just… different. And it was done early, so I wasn’t that hungry yet. But I still ate too much. It just threw off my whole Thanksgiving experience. For the record, I am aware that I am a big whiny baby.

    So please respond and share your turkey stories. Hope everyone had a great holiday! And I’m going to download the iPhone app that let’s you post to your blog so keep an eye out for more posts!

  • 29 Jun

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    A Baby Story

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    Ok, quick reminder: I was asked, and agreed, to be the “coach” for my cousin when she had her baby. Her circumstances are her own but the long and short of it is she decided to have a baby by herself, so I was to be the person at her bedside, helping her through labor and delivery.

    The actual call was fairly simple, far less traumatic than some of the “test” calls which involved me panicking and swerving into traffic. She ended up being induced so I knew to pack up and head down to the local Baby Shop (aka. Rex) first thing in the morning. We checked in, along with her lovely mother , at 8:30am or so and then settled in.

    The pitocin (induces labor) drip was started around 10am and then we sat there for about six hours. She progressed well, but slowly and her doctor actually pressured her for a good while to go ahead and have a C-section and “get it over with” (I could do a whole blog on this SOB doctor who never heard of a birth plan and just wanted to do the C-section and be done, grrrr). We opted to continue and sure enough a short while later things really got moving.

    From about 6pm until 10pm she went through terrible back labor and we tried everything to get her through it but after a while she decided to have an epidural. Unfortunately it took some time for that to arrive so there was a good 5 hours of really tough, yell-y, unpleasant labor. On the plus side the epidural was very popular; apparently she’ll be giving them for Christmas this year.

    So we’re up to about 11:30pm. After that mom tried to sleep and the nurses kept up a steady steam of pitocin and oxygen (the nurses were great, BTW. Not like the doctor at all). The trouble is that the contractions and pitocin affected the baby’s heartbeat; the oxygen helped normalize it. But after a few large dips in the baby’s heartbeat the doctors and nurse and mom, grandma and I all decided that it would be for the best to do a C-section. She was wheeled down to the OR about 3am and the little baby was born at 3:31am on May 21st (I know, she’s a month old already!).

    I went with her to be cleaned up. She was a couple days late and already had already inhaled merconium, and quite a lot of it at that. The nurses had to suction out her nose and mouth. But she was beautiful and healthy and sweet and precious and all those things. And she still is! I should know, I baby-sat last night. And no, she’s not sleeping through the night. She’s still cute though.

    So there you have it. The story of how my quasi-niece was born. I have a fair number of pictures below of the day (and night) of deliver. Enjoy!

    As for the “will-I-ever-have-children-now” question… I think it’s still yes. But I won’t deny this made me think about what I haven in-store. Interestingly I think my sleep-over with cute baby last night did more to put a damper on my having kids then labor and delivery did. I still want to have them- for sure. I just don’t think I’m ready. Which is good because I am still single which should slow me down.

    Also, I’m about to go on vacation so for once I have an excuse for never posting. I’m off to Canada for two-weeks, which I was going to write about but don’t have time to now. Hopefully I’ll have happy stories when I get back, although the trip involves about 60 hours of driving all together so that’s not really a happy thought. Happy summer, all!

    Mom and I before the tough times started.

    New baby!

    Baby faux-hawk.

    Mom and baby.

  • 16 Mar

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    Baby News (no, not mine)

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    I’ve mentioned in passing that my cousin, Yorii (not her real name– I know, a shock) is pregnant. She reached a certain age and, still single, decided she would take matters into her own hands. One donor and some hilarious and heart-breaking antics later, she’s seven months along.

    In her exceptional wisdom she has decided that it is I that she wants as a coach, supporter and cheerleader in this process. So my duties will include helping her through labor, driving to the hospital (that is going to S-U-C-K), fighting for her wishes in the delivery room, keeping the ice water (no ice chips!) coming, cutting the umbilical cord (squishy!) and many other tasks that vary between exciting, scary, deeply emotional and gross.

    This weekend was the childbirth class. Two days, eight hours each and loaded with lots of interesting information. Also a lot of very disgusting videos. Right now I feel quite prepared, which is surely quite misleading. I’m much more concerned about my preparation in two months time and my stamina for the whole process. I’m also a little concerned that seeing a woman have a baby will sear my memory and I’ll never want to have a child of my own. I’ll be sure to report on that post-partum.

    I learned tons of cool words and anatomical details in class. Again, I’ll spare you the really horrible stuff and give you an innocuous example. The top of the uterus, which contracts and bunches up as the woman goes through labor (in order for the cervix, at the bottom, to open) is called the fundus. The spell-checker has no clue what that is. To me it sounds like a party-platter. Woohoo!

  • 15 May

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    The Question that Follows

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    Some life events have questions that naturally follow those events. Though it’s really quite rude, people always seem to ask the newly married couple when they’ll be getting married. Even worse (and probably much less welcome) people who have kids always seem to be asked when they’re going to have their next one. These are very personal questions but they seem to be tolerated in our nosy society, and I’ve just found a new circumstance for them: the single girl who owns a house.

    Since I’ve moved in three weeks ago I have had several friends and coworkers – people who know me and know I’m not dating anyone – ask me when I’m getting married, or why I’m not. At first I didn’t notice much (I get mocked pretty frequently so this wasn’t really new) but over the past few days it’s gotten worse.

    I got my hair cut last night and the woman asked me no less than three times if I was married, or dating anyone or if my roommate was “a girl or a guy” (a girl: my friend, Emily. And I am not a lesbian). And this morning, the Orkin man asked me if I was married and then, after I mentioned my brothers’ new bundle of joy, said “don’t worry, you’ll be next!”

    Has it really become socially acceptable to comment on people’s lives in this way? Orkin man spent five minutes looking at the ants in my kitchen before proclaiming me to be not only ready, but eager to procreate. Why is owning a home a cue for me to get married and/or have kids? I am not any more prepared to have a baby than I was 4 weeks ago. Actually much less prepared! And the guy situation seems to be getting gloomier, not brighter.

    Suggestions on what to say to these people? They’re so clearly waiting for me to say “Oh yes, thank you! I didn’t think of that but now I realize I should get married and punch out some kids”. The denial is depressing. I need some witty, sarcastic comeback that clearly says “fuck off”. Ideas?

  • 14 Aug

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    Just Don’t

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    Girls: tell me if you know this senario: You’re walking down the sidewalk and a guy is coming towards you or maybe across the street and as he comes closer he starts either muttering to you, words you can’t hear but you know aren’t good, or calling out to you. “Hey baby!”, “How you doin’?” “, “You’ve got quite a pair there” and other, less subtle commentary. I don’t know if I know a single girl who hasn’t had this happen to her. To some perhaps it is flattering, but depending on the time of day, your location and yes, the guy, this can be a very unpleasant experience.

    I will freely admit that I am paranoid (see ‘About Me’ section of this page). I don’t think it’s safe for any girl between the ages of 2 months and 90 years not to be at least a little paranoid. It is a sad fact that there are a lot of wackos out there and they are mostly men. So when a guy is coming down the street, making those comments, perhaps coming a little too close, trying to brush up against you, rub on you on a bus or subway – this is cause for alarm to me. I do not want you that close. There are very few people in this world I want anywhere NEAR that close or saying anything like that to me – and you are definitely not one of them. Why would you think you are?!?

    My excessive paranoia actually has a source. My sophomore year in college I was waiting at a bus stop to go to class. It was a summer session so there was no one around. A black man without any shirt on walked across the parking lot towards the little bus depot I was sitting near and came in and sat down on one of the seats inside. I was sitting on the curb just outside the shelter, reading Shakespeare and, honestly, trying not to be nervous. There was no one around, no buildings within yelling distance and I was already getting a bad feeling. I tried to ignore him but at one point I looked up and realized the guy was jerking off while he watched me. I walked away and, thank god, he finished and left without trying to come too close to me. I never told anyone about this.

    I felt sick all day. All I wanted was a shower and it didn’t help. You feel so violated, so angry, and there is nothing you can do. I’ve often thought I should have told someone but I couldn’t have described him and it seemed silly to me at the time when all I could think was that it could have been so much worse. I know this is not even in the same ballpark as rape or other assault, and it’s a lot worse than a guy saying “Hey sweetcheeks” on the subway, but these are all some place on the other side of a line a guy should know better than to cross.

    If there are any guys reading this (and since my average viewership spikes at about 3 a month, I doubt they’ll be many) – do all the girls you know a favor and avoid being this guy. And stop your friends from being this guy too. Thank you.

  • 07 Aug

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    Invade MySpace

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    Two links about MySpace:

    Creepy…

    and

    Useless…

    And now I will stop doing posts that relate back to work. I am SO lame.